So, I haven't been in the hospital this whole time. But there was a lot of in and out. I would get a little better, and they'd let me go. Then I'd get worse. Then I'd get worse, then I'd almost die and I end up spending a whole week watching soap operas and having my food be a little baggy poked into my bloodstream.
It has not been very fun for me.
At night at the hospital, it gets very quiet. There is noise, sometimes, but it is the closest to silence I can get nowadays. I still crave that, the quiet. It's peaceful at the same time that it terrifies me.
I need that silence. Even though the last time I heard it, I almost gave up the life of a child. The time before, My friends died in front of me.
I still need it.
I still need him.
I feel terrible about myself. These sort of thoughts make me sick. I had thought I might have gotten away from him. But it isn't like I can just forget.
I have nightmares almost every night. Except when I'm at the hospital.
I think I've missed the nightmares.