Monday, December 26, 2011

In which the holidays happen

My great grandmother died. The funeral was three days ago. I wanted to go, but we couldn't find cheap enough tickets at that short notice over the holidays. Also my mother's caught on to how often I hit myself with my own luggage and has considered the whole flying thing a bit of a hazard. She'd probably still let me go if it wasn't for the price, but as it is I spent the holidays out here in DC.

It isn't cold at all here. No snow. It snowed on my birthday but not Christmas. It's kind of weird, really. It was a nice enough Christmas anyway. Anya and Theresa came over for an hour or so. They gave me A Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island. I love those films. They are some serious grade nostalgia and I will always fricken love the muppets. Of course, Theresa also yelled at me a bit. Apparently when Anya was in therapy she told a kid who was in the same office that she 'was possesed by a demon. Don't worry, it's gone now'.

That's why you don't show eleven year olds R rated movies, folks.

My mom got me a coat. It's purple and made out of thick cloth, with these big round buttons and pleats around the collar and on the bottom. I think it makes me look like a bald yet very pretty grown up Madeline. Put on a hat and the bald part goes away! I really love this coat, actually. It's warm and pretty and I have decided to wear it everywhere.

So the holidays were good. I can't really stop thinking about my great grandmother though. I mean, I hadn't talked to her for years. I liked her, but we were never particularly close. I have a big family so it's hard to be really close with everyone. And she usually kept to herself. I'm not even sure I know her name. Yet she's blood, and I really did like her. Her whole death seems kind of distant.

Yet at the same time, it hit really close to home. A member of my family died. Aside from my great grandfather, which I don't really remember, I have had a pretty intact family. Now someone of my own bloodline's gone, and I feel like it's possible that I might be next. I mean, I was already aware of my own mortality. But now it feels even closer, more real somehow.

I can't really explain it. Her death means nothing and everything. I wish mourning could be clearer. Or at the very least less selfish.

Aside from all that, not much has happened.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

In which I'm out of the hospital

So, I haven't been in the hospital this whole time. But there was a lot of in and out. I would get a little better, and they'd let me go. Then I'd get worse. Then I'd get worse, then I'd almost die and I end up spending a whole week watching soap operas and having my food be a little baggy poked into my bloodstream.

It has not been very fun for me.

At night at the hospital, it gets very quiet. There is noise, sometimes, but it is the closest to silence I can get nowadays. I still crave that, the quiet. It's peaceful at the same time that it terrifies me.

I need that silence. Even though the last time I heard it, I almost gave up the life of a child. The time before, My friends died in front of me.

I still need it.

I still need him.

I feel terrible about myself. These sort of thoughts make me sick. I had thought I might have gotten away from him. But it isn't like I can just forget.

I have nightmares almost every night. Except when I'm at the hospital.

I think I've missed the nightmares.