In which shit gets real

Right. So...

I'm sort of scared.

Order of the Solar Temple? Pretty scary stuff. If you want details, there's a wikipedia page. But cliff notes is that they're a cult. From Sweden or France or Canada or something. I know those are three different places but it's been a long day. They are kind of nasty though. Lots of murder/suicides. Often with children.

And there is an awful lot of fire.

I found a blurb on a random website about how there was an american chapter formed, but it's sort of vague. I don't really know what this has to do with anything, but it does not bode well.

If this is the cult that's going to take all these kids...

We're all very very screwed.

Well, good news. I got a job at that toy store. Yay.

I had to have something good to put here.

In which a fed is helpful for once

So, a great deal of nothing has happened. I have been sporadically looking for work. Just as sporadically signing up for school. I would think that my brush with death would make me want to participate more in life. Well, it sort of does, but now I want to go out and explore the world. I don't have as much patience for the boring day to day stuff. And I didn't have that much patience to start with.  I do have a couple interviews, including one at that toy store I went to with Anya. But aside from that, nothing's been going on.

Except for yesterday, when I ran into our favorite federal agent.

I was in Georgetown, having a checkup to make sure that everything was ok. There's a salad place down near there that I like to go to. They serve the salad in awesome wooden bowls and have organic sodas and they're just kind of weird and hippielike. Which I enjoy. So I was hanging out there, and there he was. Right behind me.


Me: What are you doing? Are you following me?
A.F.: No, I'm eating lunch.
Me: So I'm supposed to believe this is just weird coincidence?
A.F: It is weird coincidence.
Me: I'm not buying it.
A.F.: I don't really care if you do. However, since you're here I need to ask you what you've been up to.
Me: I haven't been up to anything.
A.F.: You start talking about how you are researching Atropos on your blog, and then you don't post for several weeks. That's almost always a sign that you're up to something.
Me: You read my blog?
(I might have gotten a bit sputtery here)
Me: No, I just forgot again. Do you know who Atropos is?
A.F.: AJ, you are a unique individual. You are one of the few people who has ever made him go away, even temporarily. People are going to try to use you-
(I sort of interrupted him here)
Me: Including you.
A.F.: Including me. Do you really want to throw yourself into more of that?
Me: Yes. Yes I do.
A.F.: You're going to get in too deep one of these days.
Me: I sort of feel like I already am. But if Lazarus was right, children are going to die. And not entirely because of him. Because of people. You can stop people. Please help me?
(I am never really sure if I'm saying the right thing to him, or if he's going to shoot me in the head in the middle of a salad shop. It's sort of difficult to talk to him, actually. But this time I seemed to be ok. Because he kinda sorta helped.)
A.F.: You're looking in the wrong place. Try the Order of the Solar Temple.

And that's all he would say to me. I tried to talk to him, but he just ate his salad and left. I have a lead though. Which means more research, on top of all the other stuff. yay.

In which I play with bubbles

Yes. Bubbles.

So, since my hair has started to grow back in I've begun to look for a job. It's as infuriating as ever, but I think I'm getting better at it. I mean, I actually have some experience now, and an interesting if emotionally manipulative story to tell. Behold:

Manager: So, tell me why you left your last job.
Me: Oh, they fired me because I didn't come in for a week.
Manager: I see... (disapproving scribbling.)
Me: Of course, I was in the middle of a hostage situation at the time.
Manager: What?
Me: Yeah, I couldn't really call them and tell them I wasn't coming in. They did offer me my job back, but by then I had come down with cancer.
Manager: ...

Much better than the last time, don't you think?

I still take an awful lot of walks. It's something to do, I guess. Yesterday Anya came with me. We ran into a place where a girl was just blowing bubbles out in the street. I have a thing for bubbles. They are shiny and awesome and yet really fragile. Bubbles are badass.

The store ended up being a toy and art supplies store. I've never really heard of somewhere that sells both toys and art supplies, but given Anya was with me it ended up being the most perfect place ever. I got her some nice colored pencils for her drawings, even though they scare the shit out of me.

Anya never really got past the disturbing drawing phase. She's always doing some sort of fairy tale image with tentacles climbing up the pillars or the prince hanging from a tree. I really do worry about her sometimes. But it's a hobby. Gotta support hobbies.

We didn't buy any toys. Instead we went to a nearby McDonald's and bought happy meals. Anya got a transformers toy. I got Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie kicks ass.

In which I need a hippie van.

I saw my first cherry blossom of the year today. I was taking a walk and there it was, among a bunch of other trees that hadn't bloomed yet. There is still something beautiful and comforting about those trees. Funny that a plant saved my life, but it did. And every once in a while, I just love to see them.

I'll probably be needing that boost, too. I've been trying to look for this mysterious Atropos person. So far nothing. At this point I might have to actually talk to Lazarus. Oh please whatever deity exists, don't make me do that.

I did manage to google Atropos though. It's a fate! She's one of three sisters who determine the fate of mankind (and the gods maybe? It got confusing). Atropos is the one who cuts the thread of life. Which sort of means that she's the person who kills everybody.

That's a cheery image.

At the very least, I am probably looking for a girl. Because girls might take the names of male mythical figures, it doesn't usually happen the other way around.

I feel like a detective now.

All I need to do is keep Anya out of this. She has been asking me questions, and I think she suspects something. I really don't want to pull her into this again.

Though that might be because I doubt I'd be able to save her this time.

In which I am not dead

I sort of feel bad about leaving you without notice, since that's actually a possibility. At least it was. Guess what guys?

REMISSION!

I have never been so happy about 'it probably won't come back. maybe' but I am now. Even though I am pretty sure it will come back. Because this isn't exactly natural causes is it? I'm still thrilled though. I had a bit of a chance to be all normal and stuff. Which was amazing.

Actually, I probably would have abandoned you guys. Sorry. I mean it. The thing is, something happened, and once again this is the only place I can properly talk about it.

I saw Lazarus.

I was taking a walk by my house, and there he was outside the playground. I'm sort of suprised no one called the police on account of him being a creeper. Because he was just standing there, watching the kids. I seriously thought about just leaving him alone. But I didn't. Sort of regret that now.

And now we shall return to a timeless format!

Lazarus: AJ, well isn't this a surprise.
Me: You're a block from my house. Which you know. Didn't you promise me that we wouldn't meet again?
Lazarus: There was a moment of weakness on my part. However, I am not here because of you.
(he looks over at the kids for a moment.) How is your own battle going?
Me: Remission.
Lazarus: That's good to hear.
Me: So which kid are you here to 'protect'?
Lazarus: All of them.
(I think I just sort of stared at him for a minute)
Lazarus: He'll pick a few that he considers his, of course. But one way or another, all of those children are going to be trapped somewhere. And then he'll come.
Me: What makes you think this?
Lazarus: I've seen it before. I know what to look for. Of course, at this point I'm far too outnumbered. I don't know how to stop this.
Me: Wait. People are doing this? Who?
Lazarus: Atropos.
Me: Who's that?
Lazarus: I like your new coat. It's very nice.


Then he left. I hate him. I hate him so much.

What I think I hate most of all is that for some stupid reason, I can't just let that be it.

Which Lazarus probably knew.

I hate him.

In which the holidays happen

My great grandmother died. The funeral was three days ago. I wanted to go, but we couldn't find cheap enough tickets at that short notice over the holidays. Also my mother's caught on to how often I hit myself with my own luggage and has considered the whole flying thing a bit of a hazard. She'd probably still let me go if it wasn't for the price, but as it is I spent the holidays out here in DC.

It isn't cold at all here. No snow. It snowed on my birthday but not Christmas. It's kind of weird, really. It was a nice enough Christmas anyway. Anya and Theresa came over for an hour or so. They gave me A Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island. I love those films. They are some serious grade nostalgia and I will always fricken love the muppets. Of course, Theresa also yelled at me a bit. Apparently when Anya was in therapy she told a kid who was in the same office that she 'was possesed by a demon. Don't worry, it's gone now'.

That's why you don't show eleven year olds R rated movies, folks.

My mom got me a coat. It's purple and made out of thick cloth, with these big round buttons and pleats around the collar and on the bottom. I think it makes me look like a bald yet very pretty grown up Madeline. Put on a hat and the bald part goes away! I really love this coat, actually. It's warm and pretty and I have decided to wear it everywhere.

So the holidays were good. I can't really stop thinking about my great grandmother though. I mean, I hadn't talked to her for years. I liked her, but we were never particularly close. I have a big family so it's hard to be really close with everyone. And she usually kept to herself. I'm not even sure I know her name. Yet she's blood, and I really did like her. Her whole death seems kind of distant.

Yet at the same time, it hit really close to home. A member of my family died. Aside from my great grandfather, which I don't really remember, I have had a pretty intact family. Now someone of my own bloodline's gone, and I feel like it's possible that I might be next. I mean, I was already aware of my own mortality. But now it feels even closer, more real somehow.

I can't really explain it. Her death means nothing and everything. I wish mourning could be clearer. Or at the very least less selfish.

Aside from all that, not much has happened.

In which I'm out of the hospital

So, I haven't been in the hospital this whole time. But there was a lot of in and out. I would get a little better, and they'd let me go. Then I'd get worse. Then I'd get worse, then I'd almost die and I end up spending a whole week watching soap operas and having my food be a little baggy poked into my bloodstream.

It has not been very fun for me.

At night at the hospital, it gets very quiet. There is noise, sometimes, but it is the closest to silence I can get nowadays. I still crave that, the quiet. It's peaceful at the same time that it terrifies me.

I need that silence. Even though the last time I heard it, I almost gave up the life of a child. The time before, My friends died in front of me.

I still need it.

I still need him.

I feel terrible about myself. These sort of thoughts make me sick. I had thought I might have gotten away from him. But it isn't like I can just forget.

I have nightmares almost every night. Except when I'm at the hospital.

I think I've missed the nightmares.